Hello everyone and welcome to another post!
Today is my due date and if I hadn’t miscarried last August I would be bringing home our little bundle of joy any day now. So I thought I would pop on here and do a quick “postpartum” mental health update.
Before I jump into my feelings and all that stuff I would like to say that there isn’t a ton of post-miscarriage mental health information. I’m so glad that people are finally talking about postpartum depression and anxiety, but I tried researching post-miscarriage mental health and it seemed like there is hardly any information about it. So since there is a lack of information and I have experienced it, I thought I would share my story in case anyone has experienced a loss like this or of any kind and wants to hear a personal story.
I did ask my OB in August what I should do if I get depression or anxiety because as you know, I have always had sad days and days where I just can’t seem to find the motivation to get out of bed. My OB gave me a Depression Screening which I passed and told me if I felt depressed to come back in and she would prescribe me something to make me better.
Of course I believe in medication but I also believe in healthy coping mechanisms and a holistic approach and my OB didn’t seem like she wanted to give me any other recources except counceling and medication.
So in order to prevent myself from being medicated unless absolutely necessary, I hardly told anyone about what I was really going through and I did my best to power through it.
I will say that I was completely unprepared for this mental health journey. Like I said, I know my depression pretty well and have built up tool-belt of positive coping mechanisms over the years to help me through it. I was expecting depression, but I actually met anxiety for the first time in my life.
Of course I get nervous about public speaking and things like that but I’ve never had a panic or anxiety attack and I did for the first time in my life after losing the baby.
It was the day after I lost the baby and I was trying to put the dishes away. All of a sudden it was like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and I felt like I had let myself down, my husband down and everyone in my family down; and for some reason I couldn’t catch my breathe. The harder I tried to breath my way through my feelings the more it felt like an elephant of sadness was sitting on my chest laughing at me for my failures. The more I tried to breath the tighter my chest got and the more my throat closed up. It wasn’t until Mike came into the kitchen to get a glass of water that I was distracted enough to finally be able to breath again.
That was the first time I experienced an anxiety attack and I haven’t had one that extreme since then. But I do still get fits of irrational anxiety. Like every time I need to leave the house a little voice comes on in my mind and tells me things like “You can’t leave the house because something bad will happen.” Its the strangest thing and I don’t have an anxiety tool-kit full of positive coping mechanisms yet. So if anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears.
Anyway its been 6 months and I’m heartbroken I don’t get to take my baby boy home today, but I have learned so much about myself; how I grieve, how my husband grieves, what anxiety feels like, and what it feels like to make it through the tunnel of sadness to the other side.
I’m finally almost back to my normal self again and I am so glad.
Before I end this post, I would also like to give a huge shoutout to my husband Mike. I honestly don’t know what I would do without him or where I would be. He has made everything so easy and has never had an unkind thing to say about my bad days. I hope I have been as much of a rock to him as he has been to me during this past year of grief.
Thanks for joining me today!
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